I seem to be paralyzed with indecision and stress all throughout this pregnancy. I get unhappy and freaked over nothing, then stupidly happy over dumb things.
When a doctor tells me I have good test results, I don't believe them.
My GTT came back perfect....and of course, instead of being happy, I'm pissed that I had to take it to begin with; total waste of tax dollars, and I hate the taste of the orange glucose shit they serve, plus I had to pay $24 for parking that day because I couldn't get a good spot. (A good cheap parking spot is a rare thing in Toronto, treasured in fact.) Funny twist, I looked at my records when the doc was out of the room, and my 1 hour measurement was 8.8, which is perfect at 75 mg of glucose after 1 hour. Which, btw, means that the heavily flavoured chai tea with sugar I drank shortly before the first 50 mg glucose test contained exactly 25 mg of glucose.....and all those boobheads who said that fasting is unnecessary prior to the first screening test? They really need to shut up and get the fuck out of my way today.
To any of you who have to take the glucose screening test, the 50 mg one, please I beg of you, eat a balanced meal with complex carbs and protein 2-3 hours prior, then NOTHING. NOT A DROP OF ANYTHING until you have to swallow that disgusting orange shit.
People who have GD will still fail, but those of us with normal sugar and insulin will not get false positives that way.
I can't save myself from that piece of stress, but maybe I can save a few of you.
Meantime, no one takes my worries about this pregnancy seriously. My OB seems to think that if he laughs and jollies me enough and tells me that we are past the worst that I will relax. Same with my husband. Same with my real life friends. It's like they all want the happy ending right now, and they want me to play along and make nice and everyone will sing kumbaya and we don't even have to wait and see the live baby, we can just celebrate NOW.
But I just don't work that way.
Truthfully, I think my OB still has some concerns, but he thinks that this is the way to keep me calm. My husband can barely think about me and the baby because he is still dealing with his brother which is still a mess as he gets better. (He is feeling better, but is now located way the hell out in the middle of nowhere, kind of a logistical nightmare for us to be honest. WTF is wrong with staying in the downtown core people? Big hospitals, lots of docs, transit, close to relatives.....but hey no-one listens to me, I'm just the in-law....sigh...)
What I really need, is someone to take charge, to look worried, to carry the stress, to be my General, my Saviour, my Knight-in-Shining-Armour, my Dr.Google, maybe even my Horton?
I need someone to depend on, a someone to take care of me, but no one seems to exist like that, so I end up in this hideously stressful position having to take care of myself, advocate for myself, wonder if each muscle twinge is something, anything worth going in and asking about.
I really don't remember how I made it through my pregnancy with Mac. It was eight years ago.
To those of you who have made it through more recently, how did you do it? HOW?
When I was pregnant with G I just set little minni goals. That really helped to keep me sane. And I also phoned the nurse alot even though it drove her crazy. More then once she told me just to relax but I just ignored her and did what I needed to do to get by. And my doppler was my saving grace. If not for using that once a day I do believe I would have went insane.
ReplyDeleteI don't know, I guess I kind of just felt that I was only responsible for controlling the things that I could & that beyond that it was up to G-d. So, I definitely kept track of the kicking and went to all of my appointments (practically every-other-day after 40 weeks) and hoped for the best.
ReplyDeletePretty much everyone else was more stressed about it than I was... Maybe it's an internal calm or maybe being OK with the fact that I can only do what I can... and the fact that almost all pregnancies do end OK.
I have no idea. I think part of it was that I finally lucked into an OB who was very proactive with me (and who I love). I think part of it was that I finally accepted that there was little I could do except plan for either outcome...good or bad. So I let the cycles play out and planned funerals on the bad days...and shopped for baby stuff on the good days.
ReplyDeleteHang in there mama. You're doing great.
First, I'd have to straighten out your OB re: the jollies.
ReplyDeleteBeyond that, breathe in, breathe out. Go to sleep, get up. Start the process over every day. Chat with Aurelia and Julia and play Scrab.ulous incessantly.
Love to you.
I'm going to be going through the same thing if I get pregnant again, but I had so many issues with my first pregnancy, that I've learned you do need to be an advocate, but trust yourself that you know what you need to do have this baby be born and healthy. That alone should help you relax. Say to yourself, "I'm doing everything I can to have a healthy pregnancy and baby." And then go back to fighting the good fight. Don't let it get you down. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteAfter 3 miscarriages in a row, I don't really know how I made it through the successful pregnancy that ended with my healthy baby boy. I guess I was lucky because he was really squirmy. When I'd get nervous, I'd stop and concentrate on his movements. Of course, as he nears 1 year of age, we are beginning to get questions about having a 2nd. I don't know if I can handle all that stress again. I, like you, had shots to do (2x/day) on top of my constant worries. I actually hated dr appts and esp ultrasounds b/c with all my previous pregnancies, it was in the ultrasound room that I learned of the miscarriages. My heart goes out to you as you make your way through this pregnancy. People who have never had a miscarriage can't really understand the fear that is there. Just take one day at a time... that's all you can do.
ReplyDeleteWell you know I wasn't able to find anyone to make me happy. So all I've got is ummm, GREAT WORK LADY.
ReplyDeleteYou are a star!
I guess wine and valium are out.
ReplyDeleteI'm really just struck by the mention of wanting someone to lean on. If only because I share the sentiment. I've always been the strong one, the responsible one, the one who carried everyone else (thru school, work, family life..).
Why the h*ll do I have to manage my own medical care too? That's what I really don't get, why we have to push so hard for the right tests and monitoring.