Tonight I go in for my gel to soften up and open up my cervix, and hopefully it will do the job while I sleep peacefully at home, and then tomorrow morning I go in, get my water broken, and then get an epidural, and maybe a pit drip and have a baby.
Millions of women do this all the time, and nothing bad happens, and odds are with me as well. So can someone explain why I woke up hysterical with fear and am wondering if it's too late to back out?
Is it? Maybe we could just turn back time?
I'm afraid I'll just get another dead baby. I'm afraid of getting a live baby. I'm afraid of catheters, I'm afraid of doctors and nurses, I'm afraid of germs, I'm afraid of EVERYTHING. I am on the verge of hysteria, and I just don't know what to do.
I'm ready to kill my husband if he looks at me the wrong way, and I'm ready to kill the boys if they look at me funny. They made some joke about swinging the baby around by it's ankle when it comes out and for second I took them seriously, and gave them SUCH a death glare they shut up instantly. (All three of them are being very very kind to me, they deserve better, I'm just too fucked up to be better right now.)
I'm a big ball of hormonal stressed out vulnerability, and I hope everyone I meet in the next 48 hours understands.