Saturday, May 24, 2008

D-day almost

Tonight I go in for my gel to soften up and open up my cervix, and hopefully it will do the job while I sleep peacefully at home, and then tomorrow morning I go in, get my water broken, and then get an epidural, and maybe a pit drip and have a baby.

Easy, right?

Simple, right?

Millions of women do this all the time, and nothing bad happens, and odds are with me as well. So can someone explain why I woke up hysterical with fear and am wondering if it's too late to back out?

Is it? Maybe we could just turn back time?

I'm afraid I'll just get another dead baby. I'm afraid of getting a live baby. I'm afraid of catheters, I'm afraid of doctors and nurses, I'm afraid of germs, I'm afraid of EVERYTHING. I am on the verge of hysteria, and I just don't know what to do.

I'm ready to kill my husband if he looks at me the wrong way, and I'm ready to kill the boys if they look at me funny. They made some joke about swinging the baby around by it's ankle when it comes out and for second I took them seriously, and gave them SUCH a death glare they shut up instantly. (All three of them are being very very kind to me, they deserve better, I'm just too fucked up to be better right now.)

I'm a big ball of hormonal stressed out vulnerability, and I hope everyone I meet in the next 48 hours understands.


  1. I totally understand you and am keeping my fingers crossed for everything to go better than you ever thought possible.

    Keeping you in my thoughts!

  2. Oh - I am excited for you!! I'll keep my fingers crossed that all goes well and you will be in my thoughts!

  3. I don't blame you for feeling that way. I think I will feel the same way, should I be blessed enough to get to D-Day. It will pass and soon you will be holding Dinkypie in your arms.

    Good luck and I just know that everything will go perfectly well tomorrow. I will be thinking about you all day!!

  4. I think a little anxiety is normal and sane, and considering the past you have to deal with, near hysteria is very understandable.

    I will be praying for you.

  5. You have every right to feel panicked. A lot of people aren't in the habit of assuming a healthy baby will come until that baby arrives and can be proven to be so.

    I'll be thinking of you, and wish you the very best of luck.

  6. I wish you an uneventful delivery.

  7. Wishing you all the best and look forward to hearing some good news soon!


  8. With all you have been through, it's understandable that you are a bit stressed!

    Hang in there tough girl! This story is going to have a great ending!

  9. I've got everything crossed for you.
    Good things can happen. They can.

    Call me if you need ANYTHING.

  10. Ohhhh.... you are in such a difficult place right now. I'm so sorry for you. I'm wishing for a very smooth next few days for you.


  11. I honestly can't even begin to imagine what this must be like. I'm not sure I even want to.

    I will, however, fervently hope for nothing but the best for you tonight and tomorrow and the days following. Keeping you all in my minds and hearts, and waiting news.

  12. eh...screw 'em if they don't understand. :o)

    Love you! Wishing you all good things!

  13. Wishing you a safe and healthy birth. You will be in my thoughts!