I don't want to be there, so I'm somewhere else

I don't want to be sad on Mother's Day or grieving. I don't want to think about my lost children or my lost mothers.

I just want to think about my living kids, about this new baby, and about good and wonderful things.

I swear----every thought that passes through my brain involves baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. I am utterly single-minded and beyond focused. There is something about an approaching labour that turns me into a narcissist. Although I guess the argument could be made that labour and delivery is really about a mom and a baby, so it's not about me alone.

I know I have things to worry about with the rest of the family----but they'll live. And I know I should feel guilty about my sister-in-law having to spend money changing flights, but I don't care. (She promised to take care of my older kids while I'm in labour, then forgot and booked a vacation on the exact weekend I needed her. I admit it--I got upset and guilted her. She's coming back earlier now.)

I might have been able to find someone else, but I didn't want to.

I have to be selfish and curl up into a little ball and not think about what anyone else needs right now. They can't matter, they can't be a priority. I've got some sort of weird primal need to make this baby the one, the only, the sole priority.

I'm going to go play with my new iPod now. Load some music, think about living babies.....