Sunday, May 11, 2008

I don't want to be there, so I'm somewhere else

I don't want to be sad on Mother's Day or grieving. I don't want to think about my lost children or my lost mothers.

I just want to think about my living kids, about this new baby, and about good and wonderful things.

I swear----every thought that passes through my brain involves baby, baby, baby, baby, baby. I am utterly single-minded and beyond focused. There is something about an approaching labour that turns me into a narcissist. Although I guess the argument could be made that labour and delivery is really about a mom and a baby, so it's not about me alone.

I know I have things to worry about with the rest of the family----but they'll live. And I know I should feel guilty about my sister-in-law having to spend money changing flights, but I don't care. (She promised to take care of my older kids while I'm in labour, then forgot and booked a vacation on the exact weekend I needed her. I admit it--I got upset and guilted her. She's coming back earlier now.)

I might have been able to find someone else, but I didn't want to.

I have to be selfish and curl up into a little ball and not think about what anyone else needs right now. They can't matter, they can't be a priority. I've got some sort of weird primal need to make this baby the one, the only, the sole priority.

I'm going to go play with my new iPod now. Load some music, think about living babies.....


  1. I think we are wired that way just to focus on the baby. Your SIL made a commitment and she needs to live up to that. Do not at all feel guilty.

  2. I'm trying my best to think about mine, growing inside of me now...trying so hard to be happy and positive.

  3. I am only now catching up. Yicks on the ribs. A friend of mine's little brother did that to his mom, but that was as the labor started. Your linebacker is going for a record.

    not long now. Hibernation is very much expected, no?

  4. Good for you! You don't have to go to the dark side if you don't want to. It is good and healthy to spend time in the light- in fact, that is where it is best to spend most of our time (once we are able).

    I am thinking about a healthy baby for you too!

  5. Holy ef, sign that one up for soccer! (please!) I wanted the day all about me too, which meant gardening all day followed by Hockey. Hopefully father's day will something similar.

    Hope you are well.

  6. Holy crap, you're at 36 weeks... boy, did that time fly or what?

    I hope that outfit you bought back in February is washed and ready to meet dinkypie!

  7. OMG, you're almost there. It is normal that you focus on the baby to come!!!
    I hope you had a happy mother's day

  8. No guilt! Let yourself focus on the baby. I am right there with ya.