Thursday, May 01, 2008

What do you do?

I had something important to write and now, I don't know what the hell it was. Pregnancy brain? I'm just going to ramble and see what happens maybe.

I'm taking more medication for heartburn by combining the losec and some zantac, as well as switching the time of day I take my calcium. The losec is time release and I wondered if the calcium was binding to the rest of the losec and therefore, leaving me sick as a dog since I'm not getting the full dose? Anyway, I got some more sleep last night so eventually I may not feel like crap. Thing is, I have a whole bunch of symptoms that could be pregnancy-related or could be something else. And I have no idea how to tell the difference. Neither do my doctors.

Alternatively, I have caught some awful stomach intestinal bug that will never ever leave me and I will feel like hell forever. Here's hoping I'm wrong, eh? It's just that an irritable uterus could be caused by some irritable intestines snuggled up beside them, and meantime, what does this mean for the baby? I don't know---he's kicking away right now, just fine, but the whole thing makes me nervous.

It could also be nothing, just my imagination.



I missed meeting Pam and V. last night, and I feel terrible, I was just so tired I knew I'd fall on my face. And today LAS emailed and she was going to be in Toronto, but she ended up cancelling for work, so at this point, I'm not really getting out of the house. Even though I do have lots to do.


Oh to the people who commented on my last post, thanks, I know stories like that bother adoptive parents especially, but also anyone who has an interest in raising children, so I apologize. I kept thinking that maybe I was just bothered by it because I'm adopted, but if the rest of you think it was unacceptable---then maybe I can just say who cares about the diaper genie, you know? We had both gone through IF at the same time together, and so we were close at one time, and then after she started saying squidgey things about the kid, I felt like it was good for me to stay around her and the kid just in case, maybe influence the mom not to talk about the money thing....but after awhile I don't think she wanted me around either.

You see, I'm the adoptee who found her birth mother, and doesn't speak to her adoptive parents, and she knew there were really legit reasons----but she still never wanted me to repeat that story in front her daughter and give her ideas. Bizarre twist, this was also the case with some relatives of my birth mother. My birth mother's sister had adopted her kids, and said straight out that I was never ever allowed to meet them or her or go to any family event because she "didn't want my presence to give them any ideas."

Snort----yep, we adoptees who have found our birth parents are recruiting for our secret conspiracy group. For every adoptee we lure to the Dark Side, we get a free toaster. And damn, what I won't do for small appliances.

Or maybe I'm a disease, like I'm catching?

Somehow, I just don't think I'm quite that viral.

Yeah, I know here I am telling more bad stories, and making everyone feel like shit, but I do find it odd that out here in the blogosphere, so many adoptive parents are so well behaved and use all the right phrases, but in the real world, I hear a lot of stuff that would make you guys choke. After all, in the real world, there is no sign on my forehead saying "adoptee". No one knows if I don't tell them, and no one is careful about what they say. I hear uncomfortable stuff from other moms, non-adoptive moms too, but we all know what that's like. Like say, someone accidentally mentions that they spanked their kid, but you think spanking is horrible, so you choke on your coffee and excuse yourself. Well, I do the same when I hear an odd story from an adoptive parent who makes me feel uncomfortable and I'm not quite sure what to say. Mostly I choke and excuse myself, but sometimes I'll tell them I'm adopted and see what they say.
Mostly at that point they proceed to inform me that I must be so grateful that my adoptive parents took me in and then they make some crappy negative assumption about my birth parents---and then I roll my eyes and give up and walk away.

So what do you do when you hear odd stories from other parents, either adoptive or non-adoptive parents? Ignore them? Confront the person? Something in between?


  1. I'm very non-confrontational, so no fire-works from me.

    I probably wouldn't even choke and excuse myself, just say 'really?' and mumble something.

    Sometimes I'll just put my story or point-of-view out there, letting the other come to his/her own conclusions.

  2. I was 17 when I first became a mom. For some reason, this fact (nine years later) seems to give others the right to comment on my children.

    So, knowing what its like to have others make judgments and assumptions about your parenting without having the full picture, I try very hard to be non-judgmental. I know that in the privacy of fellow adults sometimes we say things that we wouldn't around our children. We get stressed out and let those feelings over whelm us.

    So I try not to react from an emotional place. I try to have a conversation with the mother in question. And if that doesn't work, I usually wil distance myself from that person.

  3. I absolutely hate those moments when someone says something so wrong, stupid, cruel, etc. and it catches me so off guard that I just stand there with my mouth gaping open. It's not that I'm unwilling to respond, I'm just so thrown by the comment. But, boy do I think of 50 good ones in the hours and days that I spend obessing about what I should have said. After adopting my daughter I was astounded at the number of people who are made such stupid comments or asked the dumbest questions. But, they were all non-adoptive parents. I hope that the next time someone says something like, "She is so lucky isn't she?" I'm able to say, "No, we're the lucky ones." in just the right tone to send my message loud and clear without attacking the person.

    On the other topic, the only two people irl who advocated for me to find my daughter's parents in Russia and make contact with them were adoptive parent was before it was something I planned to do and they suggested it without me asking for advice. So, they went out on a limb and I suppose would have really pissed somebody else off but they affirmed what was rolling around in the back of my mind.

  4. I'm like Annie, spending time thinking about what I could/should have said.

    I got married at 20 & my MIL said, "Well, look where that got you!" (meaning - divorced) I was so angry that I didn't say anything. I later realized that she got married at 21(!) and Ohad, who got married when he was 30 also ended up divorced...

  5. I know this is kind of random, but do you have any recommendations on where to get DHEA online (pharmaceutical grade, good stuff)? I know your Dr. prescribed you yours.

    (An adopted and POF sistah)

  6. I have no ability to confront or challenge (as evidenced by my most recent post), so I'm completely useless in those situations. For the most part I like that I am not confrontational, but there are times I know I could be a much better advocate for myself, my kids and for those around me. At those times, I feel completely lame.

  7. I actually got it from I have no idea if they can sell you some still from there?

    Anyway, the most important thing to check about it, is whether or not it is pharmaceutical grade DHEA, and micronized so that you can digest it properly and absorb it. Also, don't take it right before bed, or you'll get insomnia.

  8. Thanks so much for your reply. I bought some micronized DHEA from awhile ago via a link in one of your posts, but wasn't sure if you linked to it because of how fitting the URL is, Anyway, I am thrilled I've been taking the same stuff as you did. You are such an inspiration to me (not least of all because I love your writing talent). Congrats and best wishes!


    PS And thanks for explaining my recent insomnia -- I thought it was the wine :-)

  9. I must live in a bubble cause I really can't recall any situations like this. Ok, I do live in a bubble. The parental types I hang with are friends who became parents way after they became our friends and bloggy people. So there is this one person in the group of friends whose parenting drives me nuts, but then a few other things about her drive me nuts. She is JD's classmate, and is firmly planted in this group of friends but I have taken measures to see her as little as I can. She reminds me of my MIL, actually. Which, as you can guess is not a good thing.

  10. Hi Aurelia! Long-time lurker here...just checked in on you and OMG I cannot BELIEVE your Babystrology thingie says only 36 more days!!! I remember when you first got pregnant with Dinkypie, and how I'd always surf over here kind of covering my eyes and peeking through my fingers, thinking "please oh PLEASE let this pregnancy work for Aurelia, she so deserves to get her take-home baby this time" (and yes, you have two other children, but if your family doesn't feel complete to YOU that is little consolation and fuck anyone who tries to minimize your feelings in such an insensitive manner) and hoping I wouldn't see that you'd gotten bad test results, or had another loss. Now I'm all excited--I feel like I'm going to be a vicarious Internet auntie! I have ADD too and found it VERY hard to focus during labor--I took my laptop and chatted, e-mailed, read blogs etc. all three times between contractions. The nurses thought I was nuts, but it really helped take my mind off the anxiety (one advantage perhaps to ADD--okay, slight decels on the monitor but OMG look at Victoria Beckham on Go Fug Yourself!!!) and help me stay STILL in the bed for all of the monitoring (I was high-risk all three times so they wanted me to stay put and on the belts, which was REALLY hard to do before the epidural, and then after it was like "aaaaagggghhhhhhh I'm trapped and BORED!"). I think it'd be AWESOME if you "live-blogged" your labor, and I would absolutely be reading! At any rate, I finally feel like it's safe to offer you my GIGANTIC congratulations on your impending BABY! WHOO-HOO!

  11. My comment is off topic, Aurelia, but I wanted to say thanks for giving me another way to look at the NaComLeavMo! I'm going to expand my horizons a bit. (and I hope you get the rest you need and want!)