I've got lots of stressful things going on, so I may as well list them, best therapy ever I think. (And thank you for the comments on my previous post btw. Thank you thank you thank you.)

Tomorrow we find out what the test results are on the boys, and how we have to deal with them. I'm dreading it because I know I'll just feel guilty in the end. My fault, etc. More on that after tomorrow's appt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good news: Kaz's first preliminary report card came out and it's great, all A's.

Bad news: that's because the new school with the provincial curriculum is so stupidly easy, he doesn't have to make any effort at all. Not exactly good for his character IMO. I wanted it to be easier when he hit university, not now....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband's brother P is in worse and worse shape over in Europe. He seems to have burned through all of his money, isn't taking any of his meds, (or if he is, they are the wrong ones!), and he is very very ill, and may be homeless soon. He is only allowed to see his children under supervision, because of his previous actions, and has no friends there. He won't admit to having any problems, and insists that everyone else is the cause of all of his difficulties. Could his marriage and divorce have been handled better? Sure...and the industry he was in has had major financial problems, but neither of those things made him ignore his mental illness or become an alcoholic. I just wish that my husband did not have to bear the brunt of his abuse and anger.

The hardest thing on earth to do is watch someone you love die inch by inch.

Is it bad that I just wish this was over one way or another? That he would either get better and be perfectly fine, or not, with all that implies?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Julius is waking up several times a night due to the cold wind whipping through our windows. But since we are still six months away from any renovations what with permits and drawings, etc. I can't justify spending the money to fix them. Really, I might be ripping it out right away, right?

So we have plastic over the windows....not exactly the classy image I was hoping for, sigh....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I did have some good news, my not very formal effort to diet is paying off and I've lost a few inches on my waist. My jeans are loose and have to be held up with a belt! That good news was quashed by an irritating encounter on Saturday when TWO different people casually gestured towards my stomach and asked pregnancy related questions.

As if I was STILL pregnant.

And the baby is FIVE MONTHS OLD.

Honestly, that really crushed me, because it's not like I'm the only mom in the world who has extra weight, but sometimes I think that I am the only woman who has so much on her stomach. But should that matter? Isn't it incredibly rude for anyone to do that?

And why do I let jerks suck all the joy out of my life?

I think that's the real question.

Ups and downs

I just realized that I haven't posted in a while, so I thought I would let you all know what's going on.

Basically, for months now I have been rather disorganized and behind the eight ball. Pretty confused as well. Just before I had the baby I went off my ADHD/ADD medications since I was getting tired and wanted to nap more, plus I wasn't driving as much, and really I didn't think it was helping my blood pressure.

And then after I had the baby, I was very very sick and weak for a long time. I needed to be able to sleep whenever I could and just take care of me and him and let everything else go. (I wasn't very good at that. I kept trying to do things, I'd get frustrated and realize that you were all right to tell me that I should just lie down and chill.) Eventually I did give up stressing over it, which had the unfortunate side effect of things piling up.

I gave up on physio because I could never remember to go there or do the exercises. I gave up on pretty much anything that required me to be ontime and alert. Which means that between missed birthday parties and lost opportunities, life has kind of sucked for the family at large. Nannies can only do so much, reality is that they aren't going to take charge and replace parents completely. (And I wouldn't want her to, but damn if I could teach mine to do my filing and enter all my contacts and appointments into Outlook that would be sweet!)

So here I was stumbling along, and a few days after the election I finally hit the wall.

Or more accurately, I fell back from the wall where I had been adjusting curtains, and stepped on to Julius.

Who screamed loudly, and pitifully all the way to the ER while my husband drove all of us to the hospital. I was hysterical the entire time, convinced that I was a piece of shite mother, and they were going to call CAS, and maybe they should, and boy did I ever beat myself up.

Meantime, guess which baby smiled and laughed for the doctors and nurses the second we arrived? Yep, he was fine, and I was an anxiety ridden mess. They examined him all over, pronounced him perfectly okay, and sent us home, telling me that not to worry. Ha. Commence weeping and guilt immediately in mommyland.

I realized I needed my ADD/ADHD medication again, because I hadn't even been high up. I fell back when I was only 18 inches off the ground for pete's sake! I've always been clumsier off the meds, but this is ridiculous. (My spatial awareness is pathetic, I walk into walls, trip, bash myself, it's not good. ) So I called Motherisk and made another appointment. They took me the next day, and I met with the same Doc I saw before. He was lovely and kind, and very informative. Turns out that they had some data and some studies after he had met with me, and Ritalin and Concerta or methylphenidate, only end up in breast milk in microscopic levels. It's there, but barely measurable. Apparently the breast filters it out quite well, almost completely. Adderall and Dexedrine and various amphetamines do get into breast milk but in very very small amounts, just under 10% in the breastmilk of whatever the amount in my blood level would be. S

So literally less than if I had some wine with dinner or took narcotics for pain relief after the c-section.

In the end, the risk of me screwing up life by not paying bills and accidentally hurting the kids or getting into a car accident if I'm off my medication has outweighed any tiny risk of drugs in my milk. You may wonder, why not formula? Well, both my older kids have issues, Kaz is gifted ADD/LD, and Mac likely will get a diagnoses soon. Would they be even worse if I hadn't breastfed them? I don't know, but I do know that there is lots of evidence that breast milk helps with brain development and considering the pattern the older siblings already have....hell, I'd rather keep breastfeeding, just in case it does help mitigate the risk.

So I'm back on Adderall on most days, and if I get too tired or sick then I'll skip it and get some rest, but for now, this is just the best thing for me and Julius I think. Good news, I have been filling calendars out and writing notes and paying bills and sorting receipts, in between children errands and baby and music classes.

Hopefully, I'll laugh about stepping on him one day, but I have to tell you, I'm really not there yet. Sigh...have any of you ever done anything like this? Dropped your kid, etc.? Please share, even anonymously. I need to feel like other mothers do this, not just me.

October 15th

Before I go to sleep I just wanted to say that yes I have been thinking of my own lost babies and all of yours today. For more information go see www.october15th.com or check out Antigone's blog for more about Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness Day.

Go Obama Go! I finally have politician who cares about stillbirth so maybe we can all get him elected and working for women's health.

Things you can change, and things you can't

I'm really really unhappy about how the election turned out as you can well imagine. Frankly, I think there are so many things that irritated me about this election that I can scarcely count them all. (If you want to see some interesting stuff about it, go see Rick Mercer, specifically, my fave rant of his, September 30, Season 6, RMR Rant. I can't do an imbed like on Youtube, but if you go there and check it out, especially the final bit on that video, you'll know why I love Mercer.)

That said, I'm pretty frickin tired, and after sitting on this post for an entire day and trying to write something, I have only this....

In two years I can and will help to defeat Stephen Harper. Governments come and go like clockwork and we'll get rid of him sooner or later.

But yesterday I saw some pictures of myself at my current weight, and I was disgusted with myself. I have gained weight since having the baby. And never ever in my entire life have I ever weighed this much. Never. And if I don't lose the weight soon, then I'll be keeping it on for life.

I can stand Harper for 18-24 months, but there is no fucking way on the planet that I will live my life at this weight. I hate how I look, how I feel, and how the world sees me now.

I hate this enough to change it, so I will.

Is this thing on? tap tap tap

I'm busy with election day, so I can't blog long, just wanted to tell all of my Canadian friends to go vote, and yes, you guessed it, I want you to vote Liberal, haha. Big surprise!

I'd say it anyway, but honestly, after Stephen Harper told everyone that his penis-and-vagina made family was ordinary, and that Dion's adoption made family wasn't, I fucking hate that crud headed man so much----%^&*%^@#$ that I have become inarticulate.

You aren't superior to us Stephen. And adoptees like me aren't inferior. So stick your ordinary family shtick up your ass, and ohhh I don't know, maybe discuss an actual policy issue? I keep muttering about this under my breath......must stop obsessing......

Anyway, I'm busy making food and handing out poll kits and throwing wet wadded up toilet paper at the Tory voters.

(kidding)

(sort of)

Very important thing for all of you who are parents, please, take your kids to vote and talk to them about why you should vote. They don't understand that truth in advertising laws do not apply to political ads, and they don't know what all this means. And except for a brief civics discussion at some point in school, no one teaches them about this stuff.

So take your kids to vote, even the babies. I always take my kids! If I get a picture of Julius with his first ballot, I'll post it.

*btw, is anyone having problems with bloglines, or with getting feeds? I am having serious problems with getting several different blogs, some typepad, some blogger, and I don't know if it's just me, or everyone else. Plus, something is odd with my blog, I'm suddenly out of nowhere, getting almost no hits, but it might be that statcounter is not recording them? Damn, help*

So frustrating

I have been madly working on the election and trying to take care of the baby, etc... while also trying to book a vacation for us for Christmas and get passports and deal with house renovations.

And people----if I meet one more $%^&* politician who does not understand the difference between a credit crisis and a recession, and why a credit crisis is worse, I'll be sick. I expect these people to know something if they are running for office. I just went to a fundraiser and honestly, everyone in the room was pissing me off. The lead politician, who we raised money for, kind of got it. He seemed to know that time was of the essence, but he didn't seem to want to do anything about it. Like he wasn't a fan of helping the banks. Which I sort of get, but kind of think is shortsighted.

I may not like doing infertility treatment, but if I don't suffer through it, I won't get to have a baby. Short term pain, long term gain toots. Do what you have to do you know?

And this one woman I spoke to today who just did NOT get it all, made me sad. Mostly because she was so unimpressive. I want to vote for a female politician who gets it, but I don't want to vote for a woman who doesn't know what the hell she is talking about, simply because she is a woman.

Sigh.....when friggin' Iceland has gone completely bankrupt maybe it's not about partisan politics anymore. Maybe we need to all work together?

For my readers, who may not understand the credit crisis either (don't get me wrong, I would not expect any of you to, I only expect professional politicians asking for my vote to get it):

In a recession, only some people are hurt. In a credit crisis everyone is hurt.

In a recession, the rich and the secure part of the middle class will be fine and if they keep spending and investing normally, then we will all be fine, because over time, they will normalize the rest of the economy, and keep most of the working class--working. Their taxes will support the poor with welfare and EI while they dig out. The guy at the grocery store will keep his job selling food, and the woman who ships the food from the wholesaler will keep her job, and the farmer will keep his job because everyone needs to eat, and he gets to sell his stuff to the wholesaler. It's bumpy along the way and not everyone gets the price they want, and some people are in debt over their heads or unemployed and they go bankrupt---but generally it works through the bumps.

In a credit crisis, the farmer wants to sell but will not sell his food to the wholesaler because he can't be sure that the wholesaler's cheque will pass. He has no faith in the bank the cheque is written from. If the wholesaler can give him cash, he might sell the food. The wholesaler might be able to pay with some cash, but he doesn't get paid until the retailer gives him money, so not much is on hand.

And so it goes down the road....each person in the chain refusing to take credit and only willing to take cash, and only cash from some countries, and not others. So the retailer cannot put food on the shelves.

In the end, the rich people, and the secure section of the middle class, goes to the grocery store, and looks on the shelves, and sees---nothing to buy. No matter how much money they have in their wallet, there is no food to buy, at any price.

I hope you guys know how to grow your own food, because I sure as hell don't know how this ends.

That is why every bank and every blue chip company needs to be backed up temporarily by the government until we all start to trust each other again. Personally, I think that all the bankers should be sent to therapy for the next few months. I know a few who are currently sitting in a corner curled in the fetal position, gibbering like idiots. Sad....they used to be so professional looking and all....

Anyway, on to other subjects. I am currently working on passports for us all. I actually had to get baby Julius a passport photo of all things! Little bugger kept smiling at the photographer. He refused to "keep a neutral expression on his face." We finally got one, but I don't know if it's good enough. I guess Passport Canada will just have to suck it up, eh? The solution to my passport woes has been pretty simple. I am now working on the assumption that I will never ever be elected to public office due to my long history of teh imperfection. So who cares if I and every other adoptee in Canada is required to lie on their federal documents in writing? Technically I'm committing an indictable offense, because every time I write down my adoptive name as my "name at birth" I'm lying on federal documents. (unlike in Ontario, where they specifically write in a rule that allows for adoptive names)

But since only perfect white men are allowed to run in winnable ridings and certainly not a former crazy woman like me, who cares? Fuck it, I want to go lie in the sun, and at some point I'll just have to hire a lawyer to mount a defense.

In the meantime, the bigger problem is how to deal with the kid's passports. I finally got the baby's long form birth certificate, required due to the repugnant bastard rule. (Since Mr.C. and I were not married when Kaz was born, all our children must carry proof of who their parents are whenever crossing borders.) The simple way to fix this issue btw, is to require that all children have the names of their legal custodial parents entered into their passports, so that no child is ever labelled a bastard by their own government. Yes, you could just strike down the law since it does violate the Charter, but to protect the tiny number of kids who are in a family kidnapping situation, it makes more sense to just treat everyone the same. Precisely the same. So that no one can ever tell who is born inside of marriage and who is born outside of marriage.

Everyone I speak to thinks this is horrendous, but for now, I am stuck. I figure I'll file a lawsuit after the kids get their passports.

So toots, I am going to try to enjoy my weekend, and see if I can get my husband to look at some vacation brochures and architectural pictures. Thanksgiving is upon us, and Sunday we're having 15 people over again. (Thank God for Whole Foods catering and the ability to hire people to help tidy up.) Monday is tidy up day here at the house and a day off from school for the kids, and then Tuesday is Election Day. We're hosting a home centre for our local Liberal candidate, hopefully he wins, but who knows? We thought the Liberals were sunk, but Dion seems to have pulled it out of the hat and his numbers are climbing.

More later....I have to go fill out the last of the forms.

*Last second update before posting: I just got a call for an appointment at the helmet clinic at Sick Kids for Boo-boo, and now I'm the one in the corner curled in a fetal position gibbering like a baboon....more later.

Baby pixels

Such a struggle for Julius....poor thing. Tummy time is very very hard. Feel sad. Weep for him. gnash your teeth. rent your clothes.

For more cute political babies, see here. Courtesy Miss Cellania. All you Obama lovers will squee. I spontaneously ovulated as I clicked.

Heh

Thank you to Aunt Jenny for the quilt! It does help him to rollover, because he has something to grab on to and get some traction. And it's nice and warm when I feed him at night!

I swear to god he does smile and laugh. When he isn't being forced to get rid of his flathead.

Really.

P.S. I cannot figure out how to move the pictures around the post, how do I do it, all of mine seem to be on the left of the blog, and on top? Why am I the most dipshitted person on earth when it comes to digital photos?

Why?

Why do weirdos in the supermarket always follow me around?

He's a cute weirdo this time, with a beard and kind of a tousled look.

This is the trouble with being postpartum, and the baby is at home, see, now I have big breasts, and my ring is still too tight for my wedding ring to go back on, and now---I guess they think I'm single?

Not!

Heh, so why don't the nice guys follow me? Why do I still attract the nutjobs?

I'm going to have to take my husband with me to Loblaws soon I guess.....

sick babies

It's been a long week/weekend here with a sick baby. The spit ups are awful so I guess we're back to get prilosec or losec or whatever. plus he's arching his back and crying and generally acting out of character. typing one handed to post this sorry.

thing is, now he has a fever, not high or severe, but still bad. I am so freaking wiped right now.....

finally did some things on my to-do list.....should've slept instead.

i'm very upset that no one seems to get that we have a severe credit crisis here in canada as well. our banks are okay, but if no one can borrow or lend money, things will not look good soon.

more later, nanny will be here in 10 hours, i'll be able to sleep then. have to walk the baby now so he doesn't scream again.....

more fat julius and the fatcheeked brothers and the fat bailout

Darling fat sweet Julius went for his four month checkup today and got his shots, and cried poor thing. He is however, quite lovely and huge, 18 pounds, and 27 inches. 90-95% percentile or something. His head is still 50th percentile but when I asked the doctor about it she was unconcerned. Apparently his head is still growing and his body will grow into it and be in proportion later, like when he's a toddler.

More of a problem? His head is flat on one side, seriously flat. We've been referred to the helmet clinic at Sick Kids. Our Ped doesn't think he will need a helmet, but he's borderline so we're going to get them to measure. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck I hate this.

Onwards and upwards, am working on the wishlist for the architect, and madly trying to get the kids back and forth to the testing and get the homework they missed done. And fill out our forms---very hard to do. Sigh....

For each kid, we have a background questionnaire from the psychologist with medical, social and family history, plus, the BASC-2 for parents and teachers, and the Connors rating scales for parents and teachers. Kaz also filled out one of his own for adolescents. The teachers have filled them out, and now I have to do the parent ones. (For some reason, I'm the only parent doing this---we've talked about it, as you can see from the post below, but really gotten nowhere, so I'm doing it all.)

At the testing centre, they both did the WISC for IQ testing in children, as well as various psychomotor tests to determine fine motor skills, gross motor skills, attention, comprehension, etc.. When we get the results, I'll let you know exactly which ones to give you a better idea of what would happen if you took your child in.

One idea we are looking into is the Cogmed working memory training system. I don't know much about it yet, but the basic idea is that if you do these brain training exercises it helps with working memory (like how you keep phone numbers in your brain until you can write them down, or a list of things you need to get in another room.) It's supposed to complement ADD drugs as opposed to replacing them, but what the hell, I don't have enough to do so why not add this to the mix....

And now, a little note from our sponsor, Mr.Cotta. (Since he provides the fridge full of food I snack on, he's the blog sponsor, okay?)

He is a finance guy and knows exactly what is happening in the markets these days, and although I have a business degree, I'm not quite the guru he is, so I promised to pass this on and ask you all to call your #$%^#%^ senators and #$%^#$ congressional reps and PASS the #$%^# bailout package before the entire world banking structure falls apart.

I know that you guys no longer believe Bush or Paulsen, or anyone else leading your country since they tend to cry Chicken Little every twenty seconds, so could you all just believe my husband that this is a big frickin deal, and the sky really is falling and they really do need that much money to fix this mess? Unlike every other time he said so, Bush isn't kidding this time. He actually has it right, for once in his life. Amazing isn't it? Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, tootles. And it's got everything to do with you on Main Street, because if those banks go under---dude they loan the main street banks and VISA and your pension funds their money, and those guys directly affect you. If these big guys go under then you won't be able to renew your normal home mortgage, or get working capital for your small business, or do anything.at.all.

We'll all be sitting around all day, even the prudent ones.

For a nice plain language explanation of why they need the money, go see Bitch PhD. She interviewed a banker and got this out of him. My banker interview, Mr.C., just foamed at the mouth so all I have are swear words....sorry.

Now go call.

Shrinky-dinks

Why I'll never get elected to public office:

Scene: I'm at the psychologists office waiting for the kids to finish their psychoeducational testing. They are busy sitting in front of computer screens and writing and drawing.

From: Aurelia
Sent Using: Peer-to-Peer
Message status:delivered
To: Mr.Cotta

This questionnaire is so long there is no way I can do it all here. I'll have to fill it all out tonight so you will be able to see it as well.
Remind me again, which one sets fires? And is it the other kid who tortures small animals or is that the same one?

From: Mr.Cotta
Sent Using: Peer-to-Peer
Message status:delivered
To: Aurelia

(grin) I'm sure you are having fun!

From: Aurelia
Sent Using: Peer-to-Peer
Message status:delivered
To: Mr.Cotta

Of course you know raising wounded geniuses are my ultimate life goal. This place makes me wet baby.


Now tell me honestly. What's wrong with a little dark humour to relieve the tension when you are quaking in fear that your child will turn out to be damaged in some way?

So far behind...

I am so far behind I will never catch up. And now I will have to make ice cream for all of you!?!?!

No dammit, I refuse. I have my limits. Luckily I can afford to say no, but what about poor women?

I can see it now---the new workfare.

heh

Now this is funny. I'm getting good at it though. High Scores!

*For my American friends, a Conservative cabinet minister made a black humour crack about the listeriosis scandal in Canada, saying that it was like the death of a thousand cuts, a thousand cold cuts. He thought it was private. Not so much. Anyway, I'm betting he regrets that conversation now. Especially when the grieving relatives slam him.

updated: holy crap....the tories really don't have much respect for grieving families like the family of the guy on the bus do they? Firing the crazy candidate is a bit late people....

So my question is, at some point if enough Tory candidates resign, will there be enough MPs left to form a government if they won? Seriously, the buggers are dropping like flies at this point.

Again...

The internet broke again and I spend all day fixing it with the help of the good citizens of India. And in case you were wondering, I fixed the whole internet, not just my corner of it.

And I did it backwards, in heels, dammit.

Without a nanny. Who went home sick at noon. Leaving me to fend for myself preparing the house for my sister-in-law to visit and see Julius for the first time. This btw is the sil who does not like me, but makes an effort because of my husband. Same for me towards her. And she and Mr.Cotta have been fighting about Mr.Cotta's brother P. and it's all really straight to hell in a handbasket.....so the family was gathered tonight to try and gingerly get along and make up and be nice and supportive.

And it worked, sort of. My estrogen is incredibly low, almost non-existent so I'm on edge like a madwoman, but I kept it in check and we all tidied up and stuff. Even so, I think that everyone we've met is freaked about something, like schools, or money, or politics.

Money mostly, this financial craziness on the markets has got everyone on tenterhooks, everyone worried, even when they don't have any real worries. Like us, for example? We're okay because we have concentrated on paying off debt. Credit cards, lines of credit, and the mortgage, all gone bit by bit, then we have saved up some money in cash, and we have income from the business, more income than before, simply because we paid down the debt and I'm not making interest payments to the evil banks. A far cry from four years ago when I sometimes had to pay the mortgage with credit cards, and be very very careful.

When it gets down to it, we don't have much invested because we didn't have any real money to invest, apart from a little in RRSPs. (retirement plans in Canada, for my US readers) And most of that is in boring stuff like bonds and things.

Meanwhile, I'm continually amazed by the otherwise sensible people I know who have huge debts and then in the last few weeks, took whatever money they had and tried to play the market and short sell risky stocks. (They figured they could beat the market, make a killing and pay off their losses. *Eyeroll*) Or others who had large amounts of stock and investments and had never even thought of paying down any debts. Just lived like they were having fun forever. Now---they are wiped out financially and worried about paying the bills. They can't cover their margin calls, much less the groceries.

And those people, are now infecting others with their fear. Like some friends of mine who have government jobs, steady income, guaranteed pensions---they are FINE, but are freaking out by association. Others who are retired, no debt, and were very conservatively invested and have no losses are also freaking out by association. I mean, some people are recession proofed in every economy yet their perception is that they are not. Interesting how human psychology works, eh?

I personally am not going to let this thing affect me. It's bad enough when your hormones are on a rollercoaster, but when you let other people's finances affect you? Nope, no way. If we get into trouble, then I'll change my tune, but until then, I'm just going to feel bad on behalf of others.

So how many of you are in trouble? Little trouble? Lots? Enough to screw up your fertility funding? Your houses? Your health?

terrible horrible no good very bad week

My life is like this book this week.

I was cutting Julius' nails with a tiny set of nail clippers and I almost cut off his thumb. Seriously, blood everywhere, screaming baby, hysterical mother....I know I should just chew his nails off with my teeth, but they are so hard now, so difficult to chew through, I was almost tearing them. Poor thing, he's healing, but I feel guilty as hell.

Mac is having trouble in school again. He just can't sit still ever ever ever. If you ever want to see a living example of ADHD, he's it toots. He gets up at dinner and runs around like Helen Keller before Annie Sullivan taught her sign and got through to her. It takes hours to do homework, not because he doesn't know the answers, but because he can't sit still long enough to write them down!

I know he needs help, and it's just a brain thing and no big deal, but this week, I feel like a failure because we had to go have an appointment with the psychologist and lay it all out. Like I'm finally admitting that I passed on my crappy genes and gave my kid something bad.

Same with Kaz, but in his case---the work at his new school, (needs a name, how about St.Catholic Boys School? St.Cbs for short), anyway the work at his new school is incredibly easy compared to his old private school, mostly because at St.Cbs they are trying to amalgamate the kids from public school, who are way way behind, with the kids from private school who are way way ahead. So their solution seems to be to just go with the lowest common denominator....drives me crazy. If the public school kids can't keep up, then they should just get tutored. Dumbing down the work just so they can ease the transition is not the solution. Which makes me sound like a snot I guess, but here I am agonizing over how my kid will need extra help and I don't want to label him and meanwhile he's done all of this work before.

Like in Grade 3 for fuck's sake!

So why am I feeling guilty over my kid having LD/ADD?

And why should I have to go through this much crap to get him the challenging work he deserves?

Sigh.....

Also, I got a speeding ticket. For only going a teensy bit over the limit, on a straightaway empty section of road, with no sidewalks, and no cross streets.

My toilet broke, and I have to buy a new one, (we tried the cheap repair, but really, it's no good in the end). I hate spending money on this house when we are tearing it down.

Speaking of house reno, I haven't sent my wish list to the architect at this point....and I have to or I just gave him a large deposit for nothing. Trouble is, I keep changing my mind about what kind of house to build. Ultramodern design? Traditional Victorian? Basic Suburban Stucco? Faux French Provincial? Monolithic Concrete Brutalism? Meanwhile the roof is going to leak again this winter, possibly falling in.....and the floor is falling apart what with all the nails we have to remove due to nail pops.

The internet broke and I spent one entire day on the phone to India trying to fix it.

Then I had another argument with my friend Maddie about schools and IEPs and stigma and I swear---there are some things that we just disagree on and should never ever speak of. Ever!

And I'm on a new diet now. The no wine, limited treats, and no overeating diet. Like only one breakfast and one lunch and one dinner per day. And no more icing out of the can. No fair!

So I am grumpy. And very very very behind on everything I want to do.

P.S. Did I mention that I got a hot flash yesterday? Yep...fuck, my ovarian failure is back, so much for breastfeeding holding it off......

The PR move we can't fall for

This announcement about extending maternity benefits for self-employed people in Canada is designed to get women voters to like Stephen Harper, but before you all go breaking out the champagne, there are a few glitches.

Other bloggers have said that the idea is a winner, and from a PR perspective, I agree, but the practical issues with implementation mean that hardly anyone will ever get a dime, and it may be the downfall of the program.

I've already said it elsewhere, but in case the comment gets eaten or it gets drowned out:

The mat leave plan announcement is smart in terms of public perception, but it actually won't help too many women overall unfortunately. Between the practical issues of how to determine an income level for benefits and the huge number of exclusions there will be---well, there's a reason it was never done before.

For example, adoptive mothers will never qualify for this, because they rarely ever know the exact time their new baby is coming. They won't be able to apply six months in advance. Same for moms of preemies and high risk babies. *

When the OMA negotiated a mat leave benefit for Doctors they picked a flat rate formula that was easy to understand, and had no sign up restrictions. There was a practical reason for that.

What Harper should've announced is simply a maternity leave program that all women get regardless of the employment status prior to birth. It would dramatically improve health outcomes for newborns and all mothers. From a public health point of view, it's the nirvana.

But he didn't do that because he's all about the headlines, and to hell with actual real women and children.

*What I didn't write there, is that self-employed women who have had miscarriages, or stillbirths or neonatal deaths will not qualify either, the same way most women on bedrest get screwed by the current system. I'm trying to get it changed....but that will require a government who actually cares about maternal-fetal infant health.

better, or maybe just less hungover

I normally don't drink very much and while I was pregnant drank nothing. Then I discovered that Julius got gas when I had a glass of wine and then breastfed him so that was out.

Well, then the little darling got some Zantac and I could drink a glass of wine sometimes in the evening while he slept calmly. I was like a grownup adult me!

Saturday night my husband and I went out with some friends, and had a great time and enjoyed ourselves. Too much. Very very sore head people. Very tired. The baby woke up several times and I had to get up at 6:30 am with him. And could not sleep in for a nap later: And the worst news of all:

WINE HAS CALORIES

I made this terrible discovery around the same time that I discovered that chocolate has calories.

Fuck shit damn I am bitter.

Oh and Krista has done me the favour of posting a good political post for the day, so I'll just link to her like the lazy chick that I am. My only addition: I have met Stephane Dion in person and spoken to him on the phone before. He is a good good person and he wouldn't be proposing the Green Shift plan if he wasn't sure it was a good idea. (And FWIW, my pro-business, corporate suit wearing husband thinks it's a good plan too.)

Harper on the other hand, well, my instincts say he's a creep. Like that guy in high school who stood just a little too close and breathed just a little too heavily and ended up hanging around the window to the girls' change room just a little too long. And all the women I know at school drop off agree, even the ones who like the Tories, say Harper is a bit off. Shuddersville....I know there should be policy reasons, blah blah blah, but honestly, my intuition is my best friend.

Except when it comes to diets of course...

Okay, I have to stop thinking about that guy. Quick, anyone know of anyone calorie-free wines out there?

Mashed potatoes

I actually got on facebook today and friended a gazillion people and now I've been waiting all day for them to friend me back.

Some of them have, but some haven't mostly because they are not insanely compulsively checking and rechecking their email and facebook pages like ummmm some people might do.

Not that I would be that kind of compulsive person.....

No no no no instead I"m that kid in the corner eating mashed potatoes and watching old TV shows and assuming that everyone is rejecting me......

There is a reason that I never ask to be on anyone's blogroll. It's because I know for sure that you will say NO.

I was so very grateful that Mel started her giant blogroll and added people without asking because really if anyone had required me to ask----it would have been impossible.

Can you tell that I'm blogging drunk 2nite?

In other news, I am fat. My breastfeeding baby is the size of a whale but no weight loss has occurred on my bod. Unlike every other pregnancy I'm just not losing the size. I'm eating less.

I officially apologize to the world for everything I've ever said, even by total accident, about fatness. I do not care how I got here, but I am the largest postpartum woman on earth. And today I made a decision.

I will look good regardless of the number on my clothing size. I will have great hair and wear cool jeans and sexy shirts and I don't care if it's a waste of money to buy bigger clothes because I intend on losing weight. I will look like a MILF even if I don't want to actually be a MILF.

And to the friend who walked right past me in Starbucks this week and didn't recognize me because my muffin top was the size of twelve loaves of freakin' bread? Your loss.

I still rock.

Friday photo post

Cute picture of Julius, hmm? I'm trying some news stuff out with the camera, on the manual setting, not sure what the hell I'm doing actually, but my model loves to pose anyway.

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Political Note of the Day: Never ever fuck with a grieving parent. You will always lose. A dead child, (regardless of age at the time of death) will always trump a 1000 lawn signs.

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I'm getting the kid's assessed next week, and I figure I'll write a bit about it, for those of you who do not know how the process works----and by the way, the school is a bit more helpful thank goodness!

This photo below was taken two weeks ago, and it has improved only slightly since. Still trying to make the kid do tummy time and jolly jumper time so that he will move his head around. As you can see this isn't just flathead, it's head stuff off to the side....crap. Anyway, we'll keep working on it, right?

New schools

(Dudes, I know that some of you are interested in politics, and some are not, so what I'm going to do until the election, is post a little paragraph or link or something about it everyday, and if you don't want to read it then scroll down and comment about other things, and if you do want to read it, then go for it, and comment away.)

Big Fat Mouth opinion of the day: Elizabeth May should be in the debates, period. This is getting stupid people....just let her in and give it a rest. I'm not a Green supporter, hell, between the SUV I now drive, (34 mpg btw), and my incessant use of plastic bags, they likely think I'm a she-devil, but so what? I'm trying in other ways! So let her in, because lots of us want to hear what she has to say. What's the worst that can happen? That we might have to hear from the only female leader of a party, and *gasp* listen to her?

Other linky thing I saw: Guess what? Turns out that Stephane Dion has a hearing disability, which is why his pronunciation in english is so bad. Poor man has been hacked by the media over and over again and it turns out that he has a disability! I wonder if this will change the coverage he gets?

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You know how new baby mamas always think that the newborn stage is the most stressful, and that preschool dropoff is terrifying and the worst thing ever?

Weeelllll, these things never get any better, in case you are wondering.

I've been having huge stress attacks over Kaz going to his new school, which is basically a high school (Grades 7-12) and my husband acts like it's no biggie, but to be honest, he's kind of stressed but mostly excited about it all. I think he'd rather go to this school and relive all his memories than send his son! It's adorable, but it does kind of ignore the reality that this is a very different era. Sigh.

Thing is, we're once again kind of fighting about it all. (Hey, you didn't think that just because he knew about this blog that I'd be any less honest about things, did you?)

Firstly, I don't think Kaz, at twelve, is old enough to go on the subway by himself. Neither does his pediatrician. And all of his schoolmates at this age, either go with a large crowd of buddies on the subway, or they go on buses, or parents drive them and pick them up. And guess what? My husband, based on his own experience in life, in another city, thinks that he should go alone all by himself and get home alone. I think that is insane and I'm happy to drive him, but I think again, nostalgia is driving this, and frankly, this city is too large and too dangerous to risk letting my tiny little kid get on the TTC. Not yet, not alone.

He also wants Kaz to go to school with no LD support and no mention of anything to anyone at the school, and I want to get it taken care of quietly with nothing on his permanent record but lots of tutoring and extra help in class so that he stays on top of school assignments and doesn't get behind. ADD medications are great, but they don't work alone. He still needs help here and there.

Plus, the new school is driving me crazy with the special ed teacher wanting them to do an IEP or get something on paper official so that she can stick a label on his head, mostly because for this school the entire concept of LD accomodations is new and she wants to have something to back herself up when the teachers and administration think that all of these kids are faking it to get something extra. And honestly, I'd rather stab myself in the heart than wreck my kids future by labelling him. The "era of stigma" is not over. It's still in full flight and people like me, are well aware of it. I will never ever let my son's future opportunities be harmed because some bureaucracy decrees that all students be labelled and classified. As far as I'm concerned, that's as bad as it gets. Much worse than what was done to me, where my needs were never met.

So I am trying to get him another assessment, since the old one is five years in the past and we need to update it, and have a meeting tomorrow to go over it all and find a solution with the school.

Plus, Mac needs to get assessed and my husband has finally agreed to it, and please God let this work out.

Maybe this is why I have an issue with Palin. She makes raising a kid with special needs sound like sunshine and puppies are blowing out her ass and that her husband or her can handle it all easy-peasy--and frankly, that's just not my life experience.

It's just not realistic, regardless of the diagnosis. I don't care how much caffeine she drinks. She's either in denial, or full of crap.

Ooops, sorry about adding in politics to my mommyranting! Maybe they really do go together, eh?

More Grrrrr......

Stephen Harper and his merry band of white male traditional twits are at it again....slamming adoptive families and infertile couples that is.

The federal election is upon us in Canada, and with it comes much mudslinging, but usually family life is off-limits. We tend to stick with the issues. Rarely, we might notice a family picture on a brochure, or politicians making jokes about something their kid did. The media tends to go along with it, and only makes mention of major life events, like someone getting married, etc...

But now, with this quote,

“I don't know Stéphane Dion all that well,” Mr. Harper said when reporters asked whether he feels the Liberal Leader is a family man.

“But I presume that he's been married a long time, has children. I presume he's a family man also.”

Harper has crossed the line, and if you read the comments on that article, you'll see how sick the implications have become. I blogged about this before, I have become incredibly furious at the insinuation that adoptive kids aren't really family, or that international adoptees and non-white adoptees are somehow less Canadian, less worthy of the status of white biological "ordinary" kids.

You see Stephane Dion, the leader of the Liberal Party, admitted a few years ago in the Globe and Mail that he and his wife have gone through infertility and they then adopted their daughter from Peru. From Chatelaine:

"But there was a missing element in their carefully planned life – children. When they discovered that they couldn't have a child of their own, they went to Peru and adopted Jeanne, the daughter, now 19, they still call their Inca Princess. While Dion did the legwork – staying in Peru for months at a time to fulfill adoption requirements – Krieber stayed in Montreal and ultimately organized their marriage, which had never been part of their plan but became a necessary convenience for the adoption process."

Because of that quote Stephen Taylor implied that the conservatives were going to try to contrast Harper's "ordinary" family.

Like, adoptive families aren't ordinary.

And infertile families aren't ordinary.

And childless families aren't ordinary.

And non-white and mixed race families aren't ordinary.

And families with two mommies or two daddies must not be normal either, eh?

And here they are with their stupid "Family Man" ads trying to say that if you don't have a family, you aren't capable of being the Prime Minister? Nice vicious attack on the childless voters. Seriously, so they actually think that a US strategy will work up here? Especially when they keep trying to play the pro-lifers and pretend they will enact an abortion law? (Yes that's right, they hate abortion, and adoption and are trying to use codewords to hack at their opponents manhood. Nice. And Harper doesn't even know why the Dions were infertile, but the implication is there that Harper has mighty strong sperm and this will make him great prime minister. LOL )

If you are Canadian, just know that when you vote, Stephen Harper only thinks you matter if you live in a Leave it to Beaver family. And only if you had your kids, the "God-endorsed Conservative Way", by having sex. No orgasm sex thank you very much.

They are the ordinary family people you know. Godly and such.

Please pass this post around to everyone you know, just in case you have Canadian readers. I can't believe these boneheads.

Favourite chocolate cake

I've been trying to figure out why I have such an emotional response to Sarah Palin (you know, besides the part where she thinks I should be dead....) and I'm still puzzling over it. I'm getting there, I think.

I'm getting nowhere writing about Georgia. Maybe tomorrow. So apropos of Marie Antoinette, I've decided to eat cake instead. Or be a peasant. Or whatever.

The picture above is the one I baked for Kaz on his birthday.

It is a traditional oil cake, invented many years ago when money was scarce and eggs and milk were expensive. Nowadays, it's a yummy and moist alternative for the lactose intolerant like me, or if someone has an egg allergy.

Chocolate Cake

(fits an 8 inch square or round pan, double the recipe for a 9 inch by 13 inch pan)

I don't know if cake flour or all-purpose flour is better---there is a big smudge on the hand-written page, so that is information lost to time. I personally always use Fry's cocoa, but I suppose any would do.

1 1/2 cups flour
1 cup sugar
3 tablespoons cocoa
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt

Sift or mix these ingredients with a fork into an ungreased pan. I line mine with parchment paper.

Make three holes in the pile of dry ingredients.

Now, in each hole, place one of these:

1/3 cup of salad oil
1 tablespoon vinegar
1 teaspoon vanilla

Pour one cup of of cold water over all, and mix well with a fork. This is the fun part where the baking soda and vinegar meet and it looks like a volcano!

Bake 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Cool and frost.

Tomorrow

I'll write something better tomorrow about my feelings about my anniversary, but for now I'm tired and cranky and wondering something.

I was pretty shocked to see this word used to describe the Republican VP's husband, and figured it must be because US media types had no idea how ignorant it is. I assumed that they have rarely met a first Nations person or perhaps knew nothing about the policy issues. Supposedly Presidents and politicians in the US rarely bother with aboriginal issues, and it certainly doesn't appear anywhere in their policy platforms. And then Palin used it herself, to describe her own husband, and seriously, I just about fell over right there and then. Using "that word" to describe any First Nations person here, would be an automatic death sentence for a politician. It's not quite the n-word--but it's not okay.

Turns out that in Alaska, Wikipedia says it's not a big deal. Are they right? Here we say Inuit, and the equivalent first nation there would be Yupik, but the term Alaska Native also might fit.

So what's up dudes? How did a word the rest of the world thinks is disgusting and pejorative become so normal in the US?

Do any of my US readers know about aboriginal issues and terms? Are any of you native? Have you ever seen a reservation, or a reserve? I am really really curious about this.

For all of you

Thank you thank you thank you for each of your comments and lovely kindnesses. A special thank you goes out to Lisa B for coming with me to Matthew's gravesite, tidying up the grass that had grown over it, and helping me remove the dirt that had fallen into the letters on his headstone.

I want it to look nice---I can't do much for him, but I can do that.

Toronto Life has a feature on bereavement blogs and newer traditions around mourning this month. You can see the cover here, but unfortunately it won't be online for awhile. Go buy it if you can, it's a really really good article.

That's all for now folks, I have to go look over some preliminary plans for my new house. So far, I'm not sure the architect understood what we wanted, but then again, I haven't emailed the man in two weeks, so he probably thought we fell off the earth!

Time to get the pencils out....

Ten years ago today

Ten years ago today, my son died.

You can read about it here and here and here.

I'd like to say that I'm able to dedicate my entire day to thinking about him and looking at his pictures, but I can't do much because the living kids are demanding my attention.

Mac's first day of school is today, and Kaz left for some sort of male bonding thing with school, (all the grade 7's go away for a few days to get to know each other and start off the school year.) And Julius wants to be fed and cuddled and hugged and play with me.

I am going to go visit his grave now, and tidy it up, and leave some flowers.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes it feels like a million years ago. Mostly, it just feels like it happened to someone else.

I never thought I would terminate a pregnancy. No one ever does I guess.

Why I keep blogging about this

So, my newest bet is that in actuality, Sarah Palin is trying to be the new Michelle Duggar.

Frankly, I think that she has confused the Vice-Presidency of the United States with the Jerry Springer Show, or maybe she thinks it's some sort of new reality series?

So now that we know that Bristol is the one who is pregnant right now, I'm left with a couple of conclusions to choose from.

Either:
1) Irish Twins: Bristol is the mother of both, and got pregnant very very quickly after having Trig. So what about the 5 months pregnant? We all know that the 2ww means that she is really 4.5 months along, and the way teenagers ovulate she could have conceived no problem right away. A week leeway here and there---and who knows what the truth is. Maybe the family started the fake pregnancy because Bristol and her boyfriend have no health insurance and so the baby would have no health insurance if she was the mom. And the last thing on earth anyone wants is for a kid with Down's Syndrome to have no health insurance in the United States.

So the possibility exists that a current Governor of the US and possibly the next Vice President of the United States has committed insurance fraud and faked a birth certificate.

Or:
2) Bristol is pregnant now, but is not the mother of Trig, meaning that abstinence education really is a terrible idea. And her mother is an ass for accepting the Veep nomination under these circumstances and exposing her to this hell. If Sarah is the mother of Trig, then I go back to my original post on this subject, and she took extremely dangerous risks with her baby when she travelled 22 hours back to Alaska while in preterm labour with broken water.

And that leads to the conclusion that either Sarah Palins is an utterly incompetent mother who didn't take care of her pregnancy, or that even after four pregnancies she is too stupid to know that broken water and preterm labour mean that she should immediately go to a hospital. If her Doctor told her it was okay to fly, then he/she should be sued for malpractice, since so far, I can't find one perinatologist who thinks that is anything but insane. (And fwiw, I asked my own Doc, who laughed and wondered aloud if Palin was trying to take the roundabout way out and end the baby's life without getting an official abortion, because really, what she did---is that medically ludicrous.)

So the US is left with a VP candidate who is either a crook or an idiot. Lovely.

Obama's response was not only to be expected, but in my opinion, totally appropriate. Not because his mom was 18 when she had him, but because he has daughters himself, and they may be small now, but they are about to grow up and be teens in the middle of his White House term. You just know that since TV reporters began noticing the kids of Presidents the single biggest nightmare of every political strategist is a First Daughter getting into trouble, whether that means drugs, or pregnancy, or bad boyfriends, or God only knows what.

Patti Davis gave Reagan's advisors ulcers, and Chelsea scared the crap out of everyone, not to mention the Bush twins. So yeah, Obama is right to worry. The Secret Service has their jobs cut out for them.

So why do I keep going on about Palin?

Because this woman and her pro-life buddies think that women like Cecily and I should be dead, and have told me so, in comments and by email. I respect Sarah Palin's choice to not have an abortion, but she sure doesn't respect my choice to have one.

She thinks live women should just have died. So fuck her, the gloves are off.

Tomorrow is the ten year anniversary of Matthew's death, and this week is very difficult for me. Next week on the 7th, it is the fourth anniversary of Georgia's death. I admit it, I'm sensitive. I just can't help but contrast the care I took with my pregnancy with him, even when we didn't know if we were going to terminate, with her casual disregard for her baby's welfare. I was told to never be further away than 15 minutes from a hospital that could handle a high-risk pregnancy and had a level 3 NICU. And I did that, even when it meant cancelling work obligations and being unable to take care of my older son.

We in the infertililty/baby loss community have sacrificed so so much to have our families and she, a woman who condemns me and trumpets her pro-life beliefs, can't do the same? And I'm supposed to hold my tongue and not jump on the scandal?

No way.

you'll never believe this one.....

For the record, I am supportive if anyone chooses to carry a pregnancy to term after receiving a bad diagnosis, their choice, their body, and frankly, I'll gladly contribute tax dollars to help them raise their disabled kid to be hale and hearty. But considering all the moral condemnation that they like to heap on my head for making my choice, it's hypocritical for them to do anything less than take perfect care of a pregnancy. You can bet your ass that if Palins was a crack addict instead of an upper middle class Governor they'd be all over her.

But wait---something has happened. hahahahahahahaha

It turns out that Sarah Palins is not quite what the McCain camp thought she was, and that there is a good explanation for her doing that insane thing where she flew all over the damn place while supposedly in labour and with leaking amniotic fluid. Turns out that...drumroll please---she was NEVER in labour at all.

She was never pregnant. It was her daughter's baby!

Poor kid, her own mom steals her baby, calls it hers and carts the kid all over the world using him as a political prop, and all she gets to do is secretly hug him in the background. Meanwhile, my question is, who faked the birth certificate? Why lie to the press about this? When you are as well-known as this woman was, how could you ever think that you would get away with this? And when are criminal charges going to be laid?

I knew something was wrong....I just knew it. And for the record, one of those links has an opinion from an OB who agrees with my last post, lock stock and barrel. (And I never saw his quote, until I arrived back from Wonderland tonight.)

I was right. Mother's intuition I guess. You know, unlike grandmother's intuition.....hehe

So do you think that when John McCain's head explodes, it will go out his ears, or straight up?

Elections--yayyy

I'm waiting for the kids to get off of a ride at Canada's Wonderland and it seems to be taking a million years for the guys to finish, so what the heck, why not post?

So it appears that there may be an election going on in Canada at the same time that the U.S. election is happening. I'm going to be working away on the election, likely a few Toronto candidates. I can't do a lot these days but I figure I can transport some signs and things for them in the mega vehicle, right?

I'll let you all know if the candidates have any special interest in issues I care about, like maternal infant fetal health, etc....should be interesting considering the recent scandal with listeriosis and Maple Leaf Foods.

Sooo, about Sarah Palin. My condolences to my U.S. friends. What a horrific situation. Nightmare candidate for anyone who cares about choice or any other women's issue. She is pretty much useless to every soccer mom who cares about good schools or prenatal care or health insurance.

But really I'm more concerned about her IQ or rather, lack of it. Most of my readers know the risks of preterm birth and high risk pregnancy. You know that a little over three months ago I almost died giving birth and Julius almost died as well. So how do you all feel about her? Knowing that while she was in a high risk pregnancy with her son, at eight months pregnant, she flew to a conference in Texas, her water broke, she then gave a 30 minute speech, FLEW ON A PLANE BACK TO FUCKING ALASKA, gave birth, then did multiple photo ops with her medically fragile preemie.

She keeps saying it was all about being pro-life, and I laugh because last time I checked plenty of pro-lifers were giving birth in Texas and she sure as hell exercised poor judgement getting on a plane with broken water.

Deadbaby mamas like me believe in choice, but once you've made the choice to have the kid it's time to suck it up and take care of the baby and yourself and fuck your career. Teleconferencing exists for a reason people.

I'd rather miss a meeting than bury a child myself.

What a moron....again my condolences to you all. Go Obama, please God save us from this twit!

Meh

I am trying to get five minutes to post and to return all of your emails...but I am swamped, and also kind of meh about blogging. I'm busy as hell, not just with the baby but also with the older boys getting back from camp, and getting sorted out going to school. Plus the house reno and various other things like taking the kids to Ontario Place. I'm just trying to organize my life and when everyone gets back to school next week and settled in, life will be better. Until then, bear with me people.

I'm also sort of wondering where I fit in the blogosphere these days. I'm kind of a different mom than some of you first-timers, since I've been doing this longer and with multiple kids. (With a few admirable exceptions like my faves Lori and Rachel Inbar, my compadres!) Anyway....it's a bit hard for me to hold back on the assvice when I see some of you freaking out about stuff that really is normal. I try to be kind and reassuring, but occasionally, I stick my foot in it. And sometimes, I know I must sound like I'm talking out my ass.

I've just been through a lot lot lot of adventures with the older ones although long before blogging existed. So I kind of want to share that stuff but not sound bossy or know-it-all. Trouble is, it will end up coming out like that....or more like I'm an ancient old lady, waggling my finger.

And I don't know it all by any means. Like the Swaddle Me wasn't invented then, and it really is the best thing we've bought. I'm still learning things from Julius, who is mystifying me with his bizarre growth patterns. The kid is now doubled his growth at three months, when most kids do it at six months. He is sixteen pounds, 3 ounces as of yesterday. And exclusively breastfed---crappy latch and all. I'm still battling yeast/thrush on and off and finally turned to grapefruit seed extract on the advice on my pediatrician. (Tastes like blech btw, but it works amazingly. Put the drops in honey or maple syrup or something to hide the bitterness, or be smart and buy the pills.) I'm almost rid of it I think, but I'm still breastfeeding anyway. Mostly because I am too lazy to formula feed. I'd rather throw dishes away than wash them, and all that work mixing! Gahhh, am too much of a slacker mom.

Unfortunately I am not rid of my weight....I saw a picture of myself and realized with horror that I haven't lost an ounce of fat, and I really don't like how I look; double chins, ginormous ass and stomach. I never thought I'd lose it all by now--I'm not an idiot, but I thought I'd lose a little bit of fat. You know, gradual weight loss, maybe a pound a week until I could get rid of the fifty some-odd pounds I think I gained. I did lose ten or fifteen after giving birth, mostly baby and water, but then my milk came in and I think I gained five pounds or so. Then I got hungry and the whole plan went to hell and a handbasket.

Did you know that if you eat an entirebagofcookiesextrasteakscandybarsglassesofwinedonutshotchocolatejuicecake that you might gain weight? Or at least not lose any pre-existing weight?

Yeah, somewhere between the two steaks I ate Sunday night instead of one and the giant can of chocolate icing I ate with a spoon in a corner of the couch, I realized that I might have to stop eating like a pig. (And yes, I am being piggy. I really am. This is not just post partum hormones.)

I feel crappy, kind of sad and meh and not liking me. My new purse? After I bought it, I decided it is not as nice as I thought. Mostly because it does not make me look skinny. The pain makes it hard to exercise, but I am trying to move a bit. I've now seen a bone specialist, a physiotherapist, a masseuse, and a chiropractor, none of whom have done me any good so far.

I have lots of stuff to blog about but I just don't know if I feel like bothering. Does it do any good? Is there any point? My horoscope says I need some sleep, and my baby is up more at night.

I just don't know. I just feel fat and crappy. And I hate mirrors right now. And politics. The Democratic Convention is making me cry because poor Hillary is showing such incredible class and I think that she will not be rewarded. And the stupid Harper Tories decide to call an election while people are dying of listeriosis. Nice timing you heartless bastards....might make it easier to beat them, but still....

Crap crap crap, off to sleep.

Twelve years ago today

My darling first child was born.

If you want to know what I was doing on that day all those years ago, just go to this link, and read all about it.

Somehow he has grown up to be the most handsome fabulous manchild ever seen. Almost as tall as me and lean as a whippet, he is smart, funny and oh-so-cool. On the cusp of becoming a whole new person, I wish so much that he could stay this age, frozen in time. When he enters high school in a few weeks, everything will change, and my baby will be all grown up.

I love that he can do a Hail Mary save to catch the puck in the goalposts like nobody else.

I love that he snuggles up with his mom on the couch and watches Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes.

I love that he is a Wii wizard of fearsome repute.

I love that he is the family engineer who we all depend on to build and repair our machines.

I love that he can cradle his baby brother to sleep.

I love that he has the confidence and natural grace to toss a football with the older bigger guys at his new high school.

I love that he can cry if he needs to and laugh everyday just because.

I birthed him, I raised him, I worship him.

Happy Birthday Kaz. Happy Birthday.

So my new theory on why I am in so much pain after having the baby is a doozy, and one I hope that you will help me figure out--seeing as my Docs are not very creative. Apparently if I just get out and exercise and move a lot, that will fix everything. Except that it doesn't. I have a few stiff muscles and then I get up and get a shower and stretch and they are okay, and I am still doing exercises for physio for my stomach diastesis and they are working.

But the pain is still there, some days worse than others, sometimes livable, other days a terrible searing ache from my toes to my fingers and all the way up my back and neck. The kind of pain that makes you think about lying still and never ever moving again, if only for a little relief. And then on the weekend, I read this story about low levels of Vitamin D and chronic pain.

And then I remembered that last year I had been assessed as having low levels of vitamin D in my blood, and put on a higher level of supplements. And that my osteoporosis was likely worse because of the pregnancy and breastfeeding, even if I had taken lots of Caltrate and extra D. And I didn't take enough because lots of days I skipped it because I felt nauseous or my heartburn was bad. (I don't drink milk because I'm lactose intolerant, so I need even more, bad me....) So now I'm wondering if I am just low on D or if I have developed osteomalacia.

Rickets for grownups that is. Read the link, and if you are on bedrest or confined during pregnancy or on a special diet for pregnancy, or fertility treatment---you might want to do what I'm going to do and get a blood test for Vit D and calcium levels. My own GP is away on vacation right now, so the substitute Doc gave me a requisition and included several dozen other blood tests. I'm not sure if any of this will show anything but if I have this at least there is a cure, and maybe just maybe, it won't be so painful to get up in the morning.

So what do you all think? Is this really possible? What about all of you? Do you guys get enough D and calcium?

Run run run

This week, I have been running my ass off, and haven't been able to post much consequently.

Julia has had her baby btw, and I am filled with joie de vivre!! She is probably one of the kindest loveliest women I have ever met, and I am so very happy that all went well, and her son is here. Hugs, hugs, and more hugs honey!

I will tell all more about my activities this week coming I promise, truly. In the meantime, a list of what I've been up to:

- we bought a car, after arguing strenuously about it for days. A Buick Enclave actually. Yayyy!

- the boys gave me a lovely necklace with many sparkly teeny diamonds in it for my Big Girl Birthday. Yayyy!

- we bought a new camera, a Sony Cybershot to replace the broken one. Fresh pictures of Julius coming up ASAP!! Yayyy!

- street party at our house, many neighbours chatted and laughed, and yes we started speaking to the next door neighbour again, the one who doesn't like us. She started it. Quite shocking, but pleasant. Weird....

- We are still talking to the architects and engineers about house options. And getting the money to do it. Boo.

- the eye goo thing has stopped on Julius. Yayyy!

- it is possible for me to do laser eye surgery, but not until I am finished with the hormonal shifts of child-rearing and breastfeeding. So my laser eye fantasy isn't possible next year. Boo.

Until later my dears....must run to get the baby!

Big Girl Panty Day!

I am soooo excited to be 40 today!

Mostly because I intend on buying myself a really nice purse, and some great shoes, haha. Not too excited about the wrinkles to come, but what the hell, they can match my stretchmarks.

Seriously, this next year I have vowed to do a couple of things. First off, to get my body back in some sort of shape. Not so much for the look, but for the strength and the bone-building. I'd like to look good, and I could just starve myself to skinny pretty fast, but the flabby thing has always been my problem. NO MORE. Next year, there will be a photo on this blog of a muscle. An actual honest to God big strong muscle. Not necessarily more than one, but at least one located somewhere on my body.

I am also going to get laser eye surgery next spring, which will freak me out totally, (bottle of Ativan anyone?) but a week ago the baby grabbed my glasses and flung them about, and I was blind and helpless until the nanny found them. Totally sucks being a -9.0 near-sighted. Time to change that.

We are in the process of planning the building/renovating our house and although that might be enough, I really think I also want to apply to go back to school. (If I apply now, I could go to the Big University in our city for Sept./09, a year away) Still percolating that one. Good thing: I would be a tax write-off for the house, and instead of working three jobs, & playing cards the rest of the day in the pub like I did back then, I would study occasionally. Bad thing: I would be the old lady in the class. Maybe too old?)

I am also considering jumping in to the fray again and advocating for grieving mothers. There's been some amazing progress recently, but there needs to be more. And the stronger I feel, the more I get done.

Meanwhile, time to shower, get dressed, and put on the big girl pants.

Forty is going to be a kickass year for me.

My son has returned!!!!!!!

I am so so happy right now, because my son Kaz is back in my arms, black eyed, stitched, tanned, taller, thinner, and all in one piece thank the Gods!!!

We picked him up yesterday at the camp drop off, far north of here in the burbs, and yes we were able to avoid that crazy explosion that rocked the city, I guess that's the end of propane stations in Toronto, or hydrogen stations for that matter, and hydrogen cars. Time for electric methinks....

Good news: he had a wonderful time and wants to go back.

Bad news: he had a wonderful time and wants to go back.

Apparently, last year's camp was hell and this one was heaven. His exact words.

I lost the battle on him going to sleepaway camp, and Mr.Cotta won, but at least he is at a good camp this time and not a shitty one, and yes, I am trying to hold my head up high, and make the best of it.

Help!

Anyway, I'm trying to focus on my birthday tomorrow, because lordy lordy I'll be FORTY. I plan on having lunch with a really great old friend, and then shopping. I may still be out of shape, but I need some shoes and my feet have gone back to normal, so like Wilma Flintstone, it's time to charge.

hehe, anyone wanna be my Betty?

This is interfering with my sleep now

You know when you think about something, but you can't seem to resolve it immediately, and then it comes out in your dreams?

Well, for many years now, I have had sleep issues, bad bad sleep issues, and no, not the kind that happen when you drink too much wine, just strange nightmares, where I wake up yelling and flailing, and my poor husband has to figure out why I am pounding his chest and screaming at him at 2 am. These dreams get worse at crisis points in my life, and better during peaceful times, but they don't change much in terms of content. In my dreams, something bad is always happening.

It's sort of based on my real life situation, a life in which the only good things that have ever happened to me are my husband and my children. I have some really good, really true friends (and more since I started blogging) but other than that---not one thing on earth has ever been good. Now, I'm not peaceful and happy with the family all the time, as you guys know. My kids run amok, my husband and I argue, but hell, that's normal, right? So my terror at the possibility of losing that normalcy and returning back to the bad place is always just below the surface.

I have been nightmare free, or at least, free from the nightmares where I wake up screaming ever since Julius came home. It has been heavenly to say the least.

Until last night. Last night, I had a dream that after Julius was born by c-section, that the doctors came to me and said, "He's not done, we have to put him back in you to finish him up." So I agreed and they put him back in my uterus. A few weeks after that---we have an ultrasound, discover he is dead, and the Doctor turns to me and says, "He will be stillborn, you've screwed up again." I start screaming in the dream, and the word STILLBORN starts floating in the air past me, over and over and over again, gigantic letters I can't seem to get away from, following me around.

I woke up in a cold sweat, and checked on the baby; he was still breathing, just sleeping peacefully, happily. I'm still freaked, the dream feels so real that reality feels false.

For years my husband and I had a routine where he would gently wake me if he saw that I was having a nightmare, and it would be just enough that I would "reset" and go back to sleep and have a different dream. But since Julius has been home, I haven't needed it, and now, I do again. I hate that. I don't want to depend on him to save me asleep or awake.

I know some of you may wonder why I would worry about two now elderly adoptive parents and maybe you would think that they simply would not bother to look for me, but I think that in my case, it's more the issues around seeing them again. My adoptive brother for one, who thrived on being abusive and drunk and living off the dole would not exactly be a fun encounter. The confrontations, the endless narcissism to negotiate, the demands for attention, the public scenes, their endless parade of issues to deal with....

I'm finally happy, and I don't want to go back there. I want to sleep at night.

Thanks for listening. Truly.

I can't believe this

I am upset today and I need some help. Recently, my husband was checking his googles, or rather his Cuils, and he discovered that his name was entered on a geneology website.

Without his permission.

And so was my name, and our kids, and his parents, and my birth parents, with all our birthdates and biographical information for all the world to see, no password, no privacy protection, no nothing.

Without our permission.

And the most upsetting part of it, is that it doesn't have my real married name on it, it has my ADOPTIVE name, for fuck's sake, even though I changed it legally well over 10 years ago. And the person who created the website?

My birth mother.

Who constantly does things like this---then is mystified as to why I get upset with her afterwards. She constantly violates boundaries that we have discussed, promises to do better next time, then knowingly does it again in some other way.

Now some of you may wonder what the big deal is, since you have your lives on the web, with your kid's names and photos, but first of all, that is your choice, and your decision. You want to do that for your family, fine, but I would like to make a different choice, and she has taken that decision away from me.

More importantly, I have other concerns about my adoptive name being used on the web. I have never blogged about this, although I have spoken about it with some of you in person. You see, my adoptive parents were very very awful people, who should never have been allowed to adopt any children, but CAS really doesn't do proper checks in this province. They were violent, and still are. They do not know where I live, or that my children exist, or that I ever met and married my husband. In an age of grandparent's right's court cases, and the impossibility of ever getting a conviction against them for the abuse they perpetrated on me---I'd rather live in safe and secure anonymity.

The police, courts, and Children's Aid in this province have a pathetic record of protecting women and children from violence. After the Randall Dooley inquiry, I thought that maybe it might improve, and after all the money that the Liberals put back into violence prevention and victim's services, I really thought the CAS and the cops might get a clue. But no, disaster has struck again, and another child has been killed, as a direct result of CAS incompetence. Two different agencies didn't give a shit about doing their job and a child was murdered.

Based on what I've seen, depending on the system to save you is to stupidest thing a crime victim can do in Ontario. Really, when the auditor general of Ontario and ombudsman both agree that CAS has serious structural issues and needs oversight, yet the system refuses any all reforms, there is only one conclusion I can reach. That protecting the bureaucrat's turf is more important that protecting the citizens of Ontario. Especially the most vulnerable ones.

And as an aside, for those of you who think that women should never change their last names to their husband's name----THIS is the biggest reason why we should have the choice to do it. As long as other women in society do it, I have cover. Using my married name, means that my credit cards and university transcripts could be changed, without having to tell everyone the whole story, and convince them to help me. Instead, they just think I'm like other women, blending in to the crowd, yet protected by Privacy legislation. It really is the perfect cover for anyone who wants to flee an abusive spouse, or parent, or a bad boyfriend. Would it be nice if the system worked and they could be arrested, and I could divorce them as my adoptive parents, and just have no contact at all? Suuuure---it would also be nice if sunshine and puppies came out of my ass, but that's a fat chance too. So I'm doing whatever I have to keep myself and my kids safe, and fuck anyone who thinks that isn't a feminist choice.

To sum up, my adoptive parents might be able to find me, but it would be very very difficult.

Until now, when my birth mother, with full and complete knowledge of the situation, made it easy to find me and figure it out.

Passive aggressive much, Mom? Sigh...

My husband is writing her an email, asking her to take it down, or change it, but she might say no, just to drive me nuts. So if anyone out there reading this, has any ideas on how to get it off the website, technical or tactical or whatever, I'd be grateful.

I need all the help I can get.

Okay, the men are gone, let's party!

First, thank you so so much for all the lovely things that you said about me to my man. I am blushing, really.

So in the end, that went well. My husband thinks that blogging is like an online diary and that I seem to do well at it. He didn't read this entire thing, not enough time to go back and do it all, but what he saw was fine with him. As he put it, "Feel free to complain about me as Mr.Cotta online, if it gets it out and you can commiserate with other women about your husbands and you are happy, that's fine with me." I think he prefers that I do this as opposed to talking in real life with him, sort of like he used to view my pregnancy loss support group. He likes to talk to me, don't get me wrong, but like most men he prefers not to analyze every moment of every emotion we have.

Yes, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. And isn't it fun?

The deal is that he doesn't want to read the blog, and I keep it pseudononymous, and he hopes that I make it clear that I AM NOT A DOCTOR, so none of you think I'm giving real medical advice.

Hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha

Lawyers are so adorable. Honestly, if blogs hadn't taught me about heparin, and how much to get per dose and how to shoot it up without becoming a black and blue pin cushion, Julius wouldn't exist. He would have died! Geez, it's not like my frigging doctors were any help. "Oh, that miscarriage was an aberration, a bad egg, just try again and see what happens!" ---yes, lovely advice from my friendly neighbourhood medical professional.

Like I just have to point out the crazy thing I read last week, about how Doctors were surprised that in large studies the flu shot did not prevent pneumonia. And all I could think was---duh. The flu shot prevents the flu, barely, and the pneumonia vaccine prevents pneumonia. You know, the vaccine that is given once, and gives lifetime protection against 23 strains of streptoccocus and is cheap and so is free in Ontario and is highly recommended for anyone who is elderly or immunocompromised, or has a genetic clotting disorder like mine, or several other medical problems----oh, your Doctor never mentioned it? Maybe because they make so much freaking money off the annual shitty unnecessary flu shot? Or maybe because Big Pharma does not promote it because it's generic and fuck why do anything that impedes profit margins?

No honey, I'm not a Doctor, but that's a good thing I think. Less Koolaid to drink....

Women need to talk to each other. We're not men, we can't just mumble and shuffle our feet and pretend we're fine all the time. I'm not always fine, how about you?

So I am just going to blog the way I always do, and hopefully he won't mind.

Hi honeybear!

Yes, that is my affectionate name for Mr.Cotta, and yes he now knows that this blog exists....oh good lord this could be a rollercoaster.

I had been having a difficult time with my life for a long long time, not knowing what to do with myself, feeling like a failure at a career, (Thank you ADD!) feeling like a failure at school (ADD, how you stalk me!) and feeling like a failure as a woman, since my fucked up body couldn't seem to maintain a pregnancy or an estrogen level. And yes, certainly a failure as a wife and mother, since I was struggling so much with the basics....I'd rather throw dishes away than wash them, for instance. Not a winning strategy....

Then I discovered blogging, and it seemed like such a wonderful thing---a support group that I could hang out in 24/7 and maybe even contribute to in some way.

Thing is, I knew that I would likely fuck it up in some way at some point, because of course that is the pattern of my life. So I never told my very accomplished, brilliant successful husband that I had a blog, because I assumed that it was going to go down in flames instantly. Why start a problem when it could all be over so fast? And the blog did get fucked up. Two years ago, I started this thing, and only a month or so later deleted everything, and abandoned it, then started all over again.

I figured after that I'd last a month, maybe two. But it kept going, and going, and going.

And here I am tonight, having a heartfelt talk with my husband telling him that I have a blog and I never told him because it was such a stupid little thing at first, and then it was bigger, and then it was amazing, and it has really really helped my self-esteem, and mostly I never told him because I figured that he might think that what I wrote wasn't good enough.

And that would crush me if it was so.

Because even when he exasperates me to no end, I still admire his opinion more than anyone else's.

Funny thing is, he is very happy that I have been doing something creative with my time and not just commenting on other blogs. He told me that he is glad that I do have a blog since he views that as pursuing my passion to help other women who have been through pregnancy and loss. But then again, he *might* just think this blogging thing sucks.

Monday morning he will be reading this I guess, or he may just not. We'll see.

Meantime, say Hi to my Honeybear!

Camp sick

In exactly 7 days and 5 minutes I get my son back. Sorry I didn't reply to earlier questions, but I've been spending the last 24 hours in the bathroom, my intestines having been taken over by the bug from hell.

I'm sooooo freakin' sick I think that I brought it on with the stress of my kid being gone. Or maybe even because of all of our attempts to test drive cars....we have to replace the Volvo in a month and so we're on the "Keep an Open Mind Tour."

Which basically means that Mr.C. has become obsessed with only one kind of car, and I like several others and he doesn't want to admit that we have options and can afford to buy a nice one. Cheap is not my only criteria. It seems to be his only criteria. He likes the Honda Pilot. (Which drives like meh, btw.) I like the Volvo XC90 and the Acura MDX, and maybe the Lexus but we haven't checked it out yet.

Sigh....off to run to the bathroom again.

I'll write more about the cars later.

What do you all drive? Do you like it?

After that last post

I think that a little clarification is needed---at this camp, as with all sleepaway camps, no parent is ever allowed to speak to a child, and no child is ever allowed to speak to a parent. Camps are the only institution on the planet that are allowed to do that. For all I know, they could be abusing or beating the children and covering it up. They could be serving them crap for food and no one could stop them, because there are no regulations and no authorities to overlook.

I am also sick of the idiotic argument that there is something good or wonderful or better in terms of personal development if a child lives away from their parents. 95% of children NEVER GO TO CAMP, and they turn out perfectly awesome. In fact, many of them go on to be CEOs and lawyers and Doctors. Do you know who goes to sleepaway summer camp? Rich, white overprivileged kids and occasionally poor kids who are recipients of charity trips. In the past, perhaps middle class kids could afford the fees, but no more. This camp is typical of the price that most in Ontario charge, some are less, some are more.

It cost us $3000 to send Kaz to this fucking camp, for 3 weeks.

Yeah, you read that right.

The one last year was a shorter time period, but a higher rate per week.

There are hundreds of pictures up on their secure website of all the kids. Don't get me wrong, they are all smiling and well-scrubbed and cute. But they are all white. Not one black kid, not one asian, in fact, the only brown faces in the crowd are the white kids who forgot their sunscreen. And it's not that we didn't look for a diverse camp. The problem is that they don't exist. The reality is that in most cultures around the world, people simply don't send their kids to strangers to be raised. Family in an emergency, sure, but not strangers.

The other issue, is that my husband does not understand my stress----and frankly neither does everyone else. I am sitting here terrified my child is in danger, and honestly, I need you all to think about something---one of my kids almost died two months ago, and I have lost three others. I need everyone reading this to let go of their preoccupation with the word "summer camp" and their own personal desire as children to go to summer camp and just think of me as a fellow bereaved mom whose child's life is currently at risk. Can you do that, please?

Because in real life my husband doesn't worry, and neither do my friends who all went to sleepaway camp. In my mind, allowing my son to go to sleepaway camp is huge sacrifice to me. It violates every single childrearing belief I have and every value I hold dear. I did not go through all this infertility and loss just to send my kids far away and not even get to be with them. I did this for my husband, as a gift, so that he would feel like his child got to experience something he did as a child. But he doesn't think of it that way.

He views my sacrifice as nothing, totally irrelevant, and of all the things that have come of this experience, that hurts the most.